If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know my story. The first time I lost 50 pounds with Weight Watchers in college, I was so happy that I learned how to control portion sizes and I thrilled that I was finally “cured.” I quit going to meetings (I know how to count points right?) and I slowly crept back to my previous weight and then some. Years later, when I realized that I wasn’t cured, I joined a hospital weight management program that focused on stimuli narrowing. I would have a protein shake for breakfast, a salad for lunch and a lean meat with veggies and half cup of carbs for dinner every day. In addition there was a doctor and a nutritionist to monitor your food diary. Each week we met in a group session with a behavior counselor. After I lost about 30 pounds, I joined a fitness class designed specifically for overweight individuals. Once I became physically active, and gained some confidence, I started running. Then I started this blog as way to share (brag about) my 5K training progress and losing 52 pounds in about 6 months. The hospital program was great, but very costly (Like $100 a week). I couldn’t afford it anymore and my weight loss stalled once I incorporated new foods and I couldn’t attend the weekly sessions.
I kept the weight off for a couple years, and now I have gained much of it back. I’m almost embarrassed to say that after the weight gain, I tried my hand in different fad diets, like HGC drops and the lemonade diet. And even as recent as a few weeks ago I almost bought diet pills. I was just tired of being fat, and still secretly chasing after a non-existent cure. Through the years, I grudgingly accepted that I’m an emotional eater (happy, sad, bored stressed, it doesn’t matter.) I’ve even accepted that I need help to stay on track, and joined weight watchers again. But, the one thing I didn’t want to accept was that I would have to deal with this every day for the rest of my life. It just seemed totally unfair. I can run a real estate business, earn multiple degrees, have strong family relationships, work full time as a paralegal, finish a half-marathon, but I can’t stop eating cookies?! It just didn’t make sense to me. I did not want to accept that being an emotional overeater would always be a part of me. I want it fixed, to wake up skinny and never have to worry about being fat again!
I’ve been attending church and studying and growing more spiritually. I even downloaded a bible app on my iPhone. They have plans about different topics and give you daily scriptures. I chose the Addiction plan, because as much as I hate to admit it, I have a food addiction. I’ve jumped over that acceptance hurdle. However, I hadn’t been reading as suggested, and got a reminder email from the app. The scripture for the day was so profound, and I understood addiction in a new way that I never understood it before. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 said that your handicap is actually a gift. I realized that, despite the fact that I struggle, I continue help thousands of people around the world learn to run and lose weight with my blog and podcasts. If I never had this handicap, I wouldn’t be inspired to help others reach their fitness and weight loss goals. Lastly the scripture talked about how the guy prayed and prayed for God to remove it and God said “my grace is enough and my strength comes into it’s own in your weakness.” So, I realized that it’s not that God doesn’t hear my prayers, but he purposely put this struggle on me as a gift to draw me closer to him, and he won’t take it away. If I didn’t have this flaw, and was naturally thin, I would have such a big head and think I was too hot to touch! But, God uses this to keep me grounded and inspire others.
When I think about my favorite weight loss bloggers, they are all smart beautiful people who excel in many areas and even after reaching goal weight still struggle with food daily. Like Oprah said, you can have all the money in the world and when you can’t fit your clothes it’s not worth a thing. God uses addictions to keep us in constant touch of our limitations and remind us that we need to rely on him. Does this mean I’m doomed to be fat forever? Of course not, but it means that until I humble myself and accept that I am not the Almighty Carli Fierce who can do anything by myself, then I won’t succeed. So, as they suggest in AA, find your higher power that is greater than you. For me it’s God, for you it might be “the universe” or whatever you call it. When I felt tempted to overeat today, and I wanted to go to the new donut shop I found around the corner, I prayed “God, thank you for my gift and show me that you can help me through this.” I easily said no thanks to the free fresh baked cookies in the office kitchen and had a salad for lunch. Change is a process, and I’m learning to accept who I am and accept my handicap/gift and move forward in my life ….
What Did Carli Eat Today?
B– Uncle Sam Wheatberry cereal mixed with Fiber One Cereal (sprinkled with splenda)
L– Huge Grilled Chicken salad
S– Lime and Salt flavored Popcorn from Orville Redenbacher’s Natural (surprisingly yummy)
D– Tilapia fish with Sweet Potatoes and Pineapple Fruit water that I made.