For the past couple of days I’ve mulled around in my miserable fatness.  I did not want to sprinkle my raindrops on you if you were having a sunny day so I decided not to post a blog entry.  I was so frustrated that I’m gradually gaining weight back.  Yesterday, I convinced myself that two hotdogs wrapped in pretzels from Annie Anne’s and two cookies from Mrs. Fields at the mall would somehow make me feel better.  Miraculously, they did while I ate them, and ironically made me feel equally as bad as soon as I was finished.  

Since I tremendously enjoyed the book “A Course in Weight loss” as recommended by Oprah, I decided to try the book she recommended “Women Food and God” to give me a new perspective.  Honestly, I was pretty disappointed.  Not only because I feel scammed that she starts off the book explaining why the book is not about God, but I felt that she was trying to secretly brainwash me into attending her off kilter fat camp seminars.  I know that that sounds kind of harsh, but that’s how I felt about it.  Then she occasionally threw in the “F” word to make sure you were still awake.  However,   I maintain my theory that you should gain at least one good Golden Nugget from everything you read and experience.  She often reiterated the idea that it doesn’t make sense for us to believe that we can hate ourselves and hate our bodies into losing weight.  Saying negative things and repeating constant self degrading messages in our minds will not logically produce the desired effect of a happy thinner version of yourself.  It made me pay attention to the negative monologue that loops in my mind about me and my weight.  After sitting down last night and really thinking about it, I just realized that you gotta do the work.  There is no easy way out of this.  I have most of the tools, and the knowledge to lose weight.  It won’t be easy or fun.  Anything worth having takes a lot of work to maintain.  I decided to focus on what I am good at, which ironically is working out, running and writing.  No matter how tired I was today,  I was going to do Week 3.  Despite the fact that I went to a wedding out of town and missed my weekend routine, I still wanted to run with week three.  As soon as I got off work I came home changed into all black fitness clothes and made my way to Forest Park.  I was a little intimidated by the three minute runs but there was no way I was going back to week two.  I picked a scenic route that would keep me distracted from the burning sensation in my calves.  I “wrote” this post in my head over and over to keep my mind off of running.  The last three minute run interval was tough, but just as I felt like I couldn’t run anymore; a group of about 5 jogging ladies smiled and cheered me on.  I believe that God sends little reminders and encouragement right when you need it.  It felt so good to complete all of the intervals without stopping.  So that’s my goal for the next week focus on the things I’m good at, and maybe the other things will fall into place.

  1. Carli, don’t let it get you down.

    I totally understand you on the negative loop in your brain. I don’t think the thinner members of society realize that we are acutely aware of our size almost every instant of every day. Every time I eat something bad I berate myself, and it pulls me down even further. And food is totally my comfort… lately I’ve been craving ice cream because it helps me get through some problems I’ve been facing. But, the problem is that the ice cream/comfort food high only lasts so long. Exercise is a much better way to increase endorphins and they last much longer than those I get from calories that don’t help sustain my body.

    It just sucks having to think so critically about every single thing I put into my body. I’m not good at it. I wish it could come easily to me. I wish I could like exercising and get excited to go to the gym. I feel like I’m so educated about food and exercise and taking care of myself but I just can’t control myself. I binge and then hate myself afterwards and thats the twisted relationship I have with my self-esteem. I wonder why I do that? I know I’m not the only one who does this… it sounds like you’re in a pretty similar boat and I know many other people who behave the exact same way. I wonder if we’re heavy and we think we’re not worthy because of it so we perpetuate the binge/guilt cycle to punish ourselves? Sounds like psychbabble, but maybe it’s true.

    You have my e-mail… I live in STL, feel free to send me a message if you’d like a walking/running partner (I swear I’m not a dangerous individual, somewhat crazy, yes, but in an enjoyable way).


  2. It must the lunar cycle or something cosmic, but you aren’t alone in your feelings. Having the same slump/weight gain and coming to the same realization – I like working out and I like running my mouth. So I’m doing both and don’t care who listens and who doesn’t.

    I’ve started a walking group at work. It’s just 3 of us at the moment and we don’t have a rain contingency plan but hey, it’s something. I bought TurboFire. Today is must rest day, tomorrow is Day 3, Week 1.

    Like you said, we should focus on what makes us happy/what we’re good at – stick to those things. Let’s not beat ourselves up if we slip and have the pretzel (pop tarts for snack yesterday). Yes, food is my dirty secret – not really a secret when I’m sitting at my cube with my feet propped on a box enjoying a warm, 450 cal pack of pop tarts – really? I ate that? But that was yesterday.

    Today is another day to get it right.

  3. Hi Carli

    I can completely relate to everything you’ve written. A few weeks ago I found myself in a really negative mindset about my weight and relationship with food and even though I’d been following your c25k plan for 4 weeks I’d not lost any weight. My natural response was to console myself with my favourite foods. How strangely our minds work!

    Around that time I was made aware of a website that I’d not heard before called Thinking Slimmer you can find it at They sell things called Slimpods – basically they are recordings that you listen to for 10 min a day just before you go to sleep that help to slowly reprogram your brain and change the way you think about food. After all, I’m sure we all realise that most of the time it’s not food itself that’s the problem – it’s the way we all think about it.

    So about 12 days ago I bought a Slimpod and I started listening to it, a bit sceptically at first perhaps. I have no idea how it’s working but since then I can feel that my relationship with food is changing by the day. My appetite has decreased, I am making better choices about what to eat and I’m not overeating at all. These are remarkable changes for me after a lifetime of failed diets.

    I was on holiday in Italy last week when I started listening to the Slimpods and I was delighted to find that I came home exactly the same weight as I went – that’s a first for me – usually holidays equate to an excuse to eat and drink whatever I want and result in a good few pounds being added. Not this time – I ate what I wanted to but I stopped when I was full and it wasn’t really a decision I made – it just kind of happened. Since I’ve been home I’ve lost around 3 pounds and I feel certain this is going to continue.

    So, I’d really recommend having a look at the site. Although it’s a UK site – you can purchase Slimpods from the US and it’s a downloadable product so there’s no delivery involved. I feel like I’ve found a secret that I want to share with as many people as I can – it doesn’t have to be difficult!

    I’m now on Week 6 day 2 of the c25k course and loving it. Thank you so much for putting the podcasts together and for your words of encouragement throughout – they make such a difference. So when you’re feeling a bit low you should remember that you’ve helped a lot of other people towards achieving their goals and that’s something to be really proud of.

  4. Hi Carli,

    I haven’t posted before but I just wanted to tell you what a huge inspiration to me you have been, and how encouraging and wonderful your podcasts have been. I’ve just graduated c25k, and I wish you knew how much your smiling voice saying “If I can do it, you can too” meant to me throughout the program. Please remember what a gift you’ve given to others through sharing your journey, and knowing that you have tough days too–and hearing about them–is also inspiring. I hope your tough days pass quickly and the better days come along quickly too. If it helps at all, please know that you helped this one little slow runner to start running (and when I recommended your podcasts to some FB friends, they have said the same!). You’re a gift! Thank you!

  5. I think many of us have a negative tape loop inside our own heads. Lately, mine has been about parenting, rather than eating or working out, but the negative vibe then makes me want to eat more. . . I just wanted to let you know that I ran a 5K this weekend, with your B210K Week 2 playing in my earbuds. Does that help inspire you? You sure have inspired me! School is out next week, and with that I begin my 10K training in earnest. Because you got me to the 5K. I hope that helps you to find your positive attitude through your recent down times.

  6. mama helen here…totally agreeing with ‘mamacate’…. you do have a gift sweetie…. xoxo

  7. Hey Julie! Your comment made me feel so “Normal”, well maybe not normal, but at least not like a complete weirdo. What you said it so true definitely not psyhco-babble. I forgot that you live in St. Louis. I’m always up for a new work out buddy. I’ve got FOUR birthday parties this weekend, but maybe we can workout next Saturday morning? Let me know 🙂

  8. Tex, I don’t think you guys know how much your support helped pull me out of my funk. I’m so amazed that my internet friends that I chat with all the time, but never actually met, care enough to take time to leave a comment and help. I’ll bet that I could start a walk group at my office too. Hmmm but that means I’d actually have to participate…Hmmmm LOL!

  9. Becca, I’ve heard of weight loss hypnosis, I didn’t know if that stuff really worked. And then I wonder what are they really telling you to do? I’m so glad that’s its working for you. I’ll check out the website. I am trying to make a conscience effort to read or listen to something positive in regard to body image and maintaining a healthy lifestyle everyday. How cool that you went on vacation in ITALY! Wow. I haven’t made it to that side of the world yet. Keep up the great work. I’ll see you soon on my Wall of Fame.

  10. Mamacate, thanks for coming out of the shadows to cheer me on. I really needed it. You reminded me of my “fabulousness” LOL. I said to myself, does my voice really “smile?” It definitely helped for you to tell me that. It showed me how much I was ignoring the good parts of my journey. Thank you! Keep on Running and I’ll do the same.

  11. Angela! YAY!!!! I know you’ve been following my blog for a while and leaving comments. Congrats. I hope that you took a pic on race for my wall of fame. If not, you can just do another race and take it then 🙂

  12. Awww, my internet Mama, thanks for sending some luv my way. I’m getting back to me.

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